but hearing that you want me to be happy and that you’ll regain feelings if we ever attempt being friends was probably the toughest to be told yet.
I don’t know why it makes me want to shit my pants, I don’t know why my heart feels like it’s breaking all over again, I don’t know why I feel like I should find you and run up to you and just…be with you.
Because it shouldn’t, and I shouldn’t.
By the time you’re 21, it’ll just be two completely separate worlds.
It’s just unfortunate that although we get along so well, although we can both be equally as immature/mature as the other at any given moment, we still have 2-3 years between us. That’s what’ll get us too, because other than that, we’re fucking cool.
We had sex. Not only did we see each other naked which is painfully uncomfortable enough for me, but we were so awkwardly vulnerable around each other. Although it really was no big deal for either of us, anybody else would say differently. Willingly giving away our innocence to each other should’ve created some special, unexplainable bond between us; it didn’t.
The fact that your happiness was more important than my own did.
The fact that I spent a year falling in love with you did.
The fact that you meant the world to me did.
The fact that you were my ‘first’ should’ve, but that’s not what I remember you for.
I remember you for treating me like shit, because you were the stereotypical high school douche bag who treats girls like shit completely on purpose.
I remember you for your beautiful blue eyes and your gorgeous smile.
I remember you for somehow giving me the best and the worst year of my life.
I feel as though we’ll never be friends. Because you meant too much, and then had to mean nothing, and to me, it seems like there’ll never be an in-between. I don’t know how to be your friend, because it’s all or nothing. I either have to (badly) pretend you don’t exist and your presence around me doesn’t make me want to piss my pants, or I have to hug you and tell you everything about everything. It’s too hard: seeing you at school and acting as if I don’t notice you and acting as if you didn’t know me better than anybody before you. I couldn’t ever be your friend because I just don’t know how to.
I hope one day, though, that we (maybe it’s just me at this point who knows) can get along in a crowd of people. I hope I can see you and not feel the urge to sprint full-speed the opposite direction. I hope someday when I see your name somewhere or hear your voice or someone has a smile similar to yours that it won’t make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I hope one day you won’t bother me and you won’t consume my thoughts.
One day. But no matter how much better this gets and no matter how much I move on in the future, I’ll never forget about you enough to the point where I can be your friend. Those ‘in-between’ feelings will never come, no matter how many years in the future. Because there will always be left over feeling dwindling in the back of my mind, because I’ll always miss you just a little bit, and because you’ll always mean more to me than most.
shout out to Porky’s for being my favorite/most hated place in the greater Orange County area
Tomorrow’s my last day; nothing’s ever felt so bittersweet
I will miss the shit out of it, but holy fuck I’ll never have to make a medium anti ever again and I never thought such a strange phrase would make me so happy
PS I know it’s kind of really late, but you finally got what you wanted: I’m leaving. Congrats.
when I was stalking you to show people at work who my ex boyfriend is
I accidentally friend requested you without even knowing it
so 5 minutes later, when my phone told me “Brett accepted your friend request”
I almost pissed my pants
omg
I wanna delete you but the situation’s already ridiculous enough
